Spiking gas prices will make me filthy rich. Thanks, Trump! | Opinion – USA Today
Oh, they laughed when I lined the backyard with kiddie pools and filled each one with gasoline and covered them all with evaporation lids. And they mocked me when I built an above-ground structure to house even more kiddie pools filled with gasoline.
“What the heck is Huppke thinking?” they said. “Didn’t he hear President Donald Trump bragging about gas being less than $2 per gallon back in February?”
Oh, I heard it, all right. In fact, I voted for Trump because I believed he would bring gas prices down. But, because I’m smart and have studied “The Art of the Deal,” I knew the president would first bring prices down, then start an unprovoked war with Iran in an effort to patriotically distract from the Jeffrey Epstein files, sending gas prices soaring.
That was the plan all along, his means of ushering in a “golden age” for savvy small business owners like myself, the proud proprietor of Rex Huppke’s Bargain Backyard Kiddie-Pool Gas Emporium. As the bombs drop and the cost of fuel rises, my hoarded backyard gas stash will bring me untold riches!
According to AAA, the average national cost for a gallon of regular on March 9 was $3.48. Just a week earlier, it was $3. The head of a Dallas-area oil company said the price per gallon could shoot up to $6.
“Fill up anything you can right now,” Jay Young, CEO of King Operating Corporation, told Austin’s KXAN, “because if this does continue to escalate or continue, then we are going to see prices that will go higher.”
YEEEEE-HAHHH! Listen to the man, folks, and head on down to my Bargain Backyard Kiddie-Pool Gas Emporium, where I personally guarantee every sloshing milk jug full of gas you walk away with will cost at least 25 cents less than the going per-gallon rate. (We only accept cash or gold nuggets.) It’s a deal you can’t ignore.
Those homeowners’ association members who rudely called my gasoline storage “unsafe by any measure” aren’t so smug anymore.
Along with turning me into an overnight petrol baron, President Trump, using his Make-America-Great-Again-via-bombing approach, has increased the chances Americans will seek other means of transportation.
Once fuel becomes a luxury item, people will have to turn to bicycling or walking, leading to widespread internecine warfare over the limited supply of bikes and shoes. That’s why, as I was building my backyard fuel reservoirs, I smartly bought up most of my region’s footwear, scooters and bicycles and stored them in my basement.
With that, I’m proud to announce the grand opening of Rex Huppke’s Overpriced Bike and Shoe Boutique, located adjacent to the Bargain Backyard Kiddie-Pool Gas Emporium.
For $1,000, you can walk out with a pair of off-brand sneakers that may or may not fit. A bicycle will run you $10,000, though we will consider trades for potable water or unexpired food. (Rising fuel prices will add to America’s already high food prices, making my storage container filled with Doritos an additional revenue stream.)
As fuel prices make summer travel prohibitively expensive, I fully expect sales at all my hoarded-goods establishments will be brisk. Neighbors will come to me, whimpering, asking to borrow a half-cup of gasoline or a sample of my $300 Twinkies.
Sorry, suckers. Everybody pays.
This is exactly the Golden Age Dystopia I want.
Follow USA TODAY columnist Rex Huppke on Bluesky at @rexhuppke.bsky.social and on Facebook at facebook.com/RexIsAJerk
